Winds are blowing

The wind is blowing outside and it woke me up. Actually, I was dreaming about wind and all the noise it was making before I woke up. Weird. Then, I finished the library book and said some breathless prayers about being who He wants me to be. For help... To stop expecting. To stop limiting Him with my own rational ideas and belief of what is and what could be. To be open to Him at all times. How great is His faithfulness. Then a flood came. Grace, mercy, and the thankfulness for both are flooding my heart this morning. It makes me giddy. And it makes me hungry. And it makes me feel limitless. Thank you, God.

At Home

One of my favorite things

My first week as a full time Mom was nothing but awesome!  I loved every minute spending time with my babies and homecaring.  Deep down in my heart, I yearned to do this for so long and it feels good to be in this season now.  I am enjoying the slower pace.  The lack of rush.  The quietness of my house during nap time.  The air that I can BREATHE when I wake up... rather than the exhaustion I used to feel knowing that I had to drudge through another day doing what was making me miserable.

Inspirational, but Aspirational.

Seeing my house during the different daylight hours is calming.  I love the way the house fills with the soft, early morning light. At noon, all of the sunlights are aglow and I can even see the shadows of clouds and trees blowing across the shadows on the floor.  The evening sun is blaring in around 5pm and I run around closing up blinds and curtains to keep the heat out.

There is space and time to breathe.  It feels amazing, but it isn't all easy.

I haven't stuck to the routine that I had daydreamed about for the past several months.  I haven't exercised once...well...we did go for an adventure walk, but my feet have not yet graced the elliptical.   The house is not clean by any means.  There are certain spots that I couldn't wait to attack with a scrub brush.  Haven't gotten to those yet.

Proof that Playrooms are for Playing. 

I allowed a little too much TV last week and the little man throws fits now if he doesn't get to watch it or when we turn it off.  This week, this house is undergoing TV detox.  It's painful for all of us. (Seriously!)  Also, it's feels like I spend the entire day in the kitchen either preparing or cleaning up meals. 

But, I've gotten to be creative.  Whether is it cooking, sewing, crocheting or figuring out how to entertain the kids, full time Mommy'ing allows me to be more creative than ever.  I'm super resourceful in the kitchen and I'm on a mission to use everything in my pantry so I can refill it next week with all sorts of good stuff! 

I've even had time to do bible study (started Beth Moore's Patriarchs this week!) and read!  Oh...and blog! :)

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.  1 John 3:18

getting excited

I have insomnia lately.  I am seeing 3am on an almost nightly basis. I blame it on the stress, but I am thankful for it.

These are the hours that I get to think and pray and listen to my heart. God speaks to us in His Word but we can have conversations in our hearts. At 3am, God and I have our meetings and we get down to business.

I want to be honest. This decision to turn my life upside down sometimes feels crazy. But my heart is excited. I am yearning to get started in the new life.

I have what Kelly Rae Roberts calls an adrenaline of spirit. If I silence the fears and trust God, I feel a rush of possibility.

This is a turning point in my life's Path. It is a right turn headed toward a more authentic life. My current path has been paved with good intentions of how the world defines success.  But I am yearning for a different life with more joy, love and creativity.

Truth

When facing fears in life, sometimes we will find that our fears have power because of lies that we tell ourselves.

In this decision that I have made, I am surrounded by fears and lies. They keep nagging on me to change my mind and not to follow through with my decision. Then I find myself questioning if these thoughts are from God. Strange how the thoughts I am having do not sound like the promises he made to us in the Bible.

If we are truly going to believe in God and the promises he has made, we are going to have to start believing that his promises weren't made for those other people who seem to be excelling in life. His promises were made to all of us. His promises were made to me and you. We have to start battling fears and lies with Truth.

When He says that He made us for a purpose, believe Him. When He says that He doesn't want us to be afraid, listen to Him. When He asks us to trust Him, do it. Completely.

My little guy is afraid of the dark and sometimes it is hard for him to lay in bed alone. I always tell him (sometimes frustratingly so) that he shouldn't be afraid because I am here and if he needs me just call out and I will come. Then I say, "TRUST ME, you are safe."

Don't I know that God is probably frustrated with me and my incessant cries about how scared I am. This time that is taking place between making my decision and actually executing it is just a minefield of lies, fears, and insecurities. He is saying,"TRUST ME, you are safe".

Trust #1

I was looking for signs. For messages. For texts. From God.

I wanted to know "What is his will for my life?"

During a breakfast meeting, a thought hit me. I need to find a mentor from church to talk to about this. One woman's name immediately filled my head. Barb. I only knew her in passing, but I admired her for her love of the Word and for her amazing life in mission work.

The next Sunday, with tears in my eyes and a baby on my hip, I asked Barb to lunch. She couldn't say "no." I told her that I had been struggling with some choices and I wanted her opinion. I secretly hoped that God would send me an answer through her.

We went to lunch later that week. I explained all that was going on. After she asked me a bunch of different questions, I asked her "Is there a verse that I can meditate on in regards to this decision?"

She said... "well, this is the one that I can think of right now: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." 

My heart wasn't quite ready to hear that or try to understand it. I wanted a sign from God. I needed some understanding...I looked for signs and messages in everyone that I spoke to. I wanted affirmations to the plans I was making in my head and heart. I wanted to know that I was moving in the right direction.

But SEEING SIGNS doesn't require FAITH. KNOWING doesn't require TRUST.